i was looking over the teamtomko pics
from the past, as well as the other
pics section and i realized that they are just as entertaining
as an episode of friends, but without the gay overtones (ok,
half the gay overtones). if you have enjoyed the teamtomko.com website
i think it's time you helped me to stay alive. click the following
button to donate $1 CND to me so that i can afford some non-expired
ketchup to put on my kraft dinner
Saturday, March 13, 2004
first off i'd like to give a shout out to lord tightoutorn,
the menacing god of curling who cost me the mized zone final this
mixed final i stood too close to the other skip - his tan burnt me
again!
year. what a punishing year.. less bonspeiling coupled with meager
cash winnings, 13 games in the mca for nothing, and the crowning jewel
was losing 2 zone finals. all in all one of teamtomko's best ever!
i'd like to thank matt and the lovely duff sisters for throwing stones with
me in the mixed, i really thought i had the best team in our zone.
as always, i still plan to hit some mtc (manitoba toaster circuit)
speils before the ice thaws, but right now i'm glued to the tv for
the brier semi-finals, just like i was for the outstanding 3-4 game
last night. the concept of curling on TV is working well, but the
only problem is having to watch the same 3 commercials over and over
for 3 hours. at least some of the sponsors (karcher) try to make them
mildly entertaining.. but what's up with that stupid jvc women's commercial?
the tagline 'i wish we had inches' is totally wasted due to the bizarre
on-ice setup! the thrower is playing yellow stones and has an easy
double to lie 2 but instead goes sailing through the port! so either
she badly missed the double, or she called a draw through the hole
for 1 and threw it way too heavy! the only think i can think of is
that they were trying to show what womens curling is really like :)
the tagline would have worked better had the shot made sense, like
a through-the-hole nose takeout. btw, i would place my money on dacey
for the final.
this is the time of year when new teams are forged and curlers . i
haven't yet heard word from my mens team this year and so it seems
I'm entering the free agent realm. i would play for any of the top
10 wct teams in a second (not only am i the best sweeper in the province
but i can walk on my hands before each game to entertain crowds of
kids and smart dogs), but failing that I'd like to get some good peelers
together and play some aggressive curling. i think it's more fun that
way (until we are up by 4... then pow!), and it conditions you to
making the tough shots which i'm sure will come in handy one day.
some day.
Saturday, Febuary 28, 2004
don't get me wrong, i love curling.. but am i the only one who thinks
those 'maritime music'' themed commercials for the brier and scott
are getting a little old? i mean, when i hear them i seriously try
to puke from my ears in the hopes that a chunk of my half-chewed kraft
dinner will lodge itself in my eardrum thus saving me from hearing
the rabidly gay attempts to rhyme 'shine' with 'five'. speaking of
curling songs, due to popular demand here
are the lyrics to teamtomko's curling wars.
the mixed city zones will start up this week and i've been working
overtime to beautify myself so that i can distract my opponents female
curlers. I've washed my legs (with soap!), waxed my palms, and taken
an elephants does of extenz
to that end.
many people are wondering why kirkness threw his last stone through the rings to let the stoughton smurfs walk on to the a-final. after watching the shot over and over and using a set of precision timers i have determined that james did in fact throw tee-line weight, but the supernaturally magnetic personality of mcewen caused the rock to speed up by 13% by the time it hit the far hog line!
Congrats to scales for making enough shots to win the province. His last rock was so full of helium i was surprised that it made it to the rings. Apparently, so was steve gould.. his premature fist-pumping to the crowd ended just in time for him to turn around only to discover that he'd lost. I was also watching the junior mens national final and for a while i couldn't tell the two games apart. so many game-critical misses! I was dumbfounded as to why two of scales' sweepers dropped off that rock just when it needed sweeping the most. if there is ever a rock that you should not stop sweeping for 5 minutes until after it's already stopped then that would have to be it! a draw to win a purple heart for crim's sake!
I've managed to trick some females to curl for me in mixed and now it's just a matter of hiring a sniper as a second.
Friday, Febuary 6, 2004
i'm starting to have mixed feeling about curling, but sadly it's looking pretty bleak in terms of me getting a mixed team together. apparently the word of heather mowat is worth less then janet jackson's econo-bra! in the hopes of luring steet people i will now be offering a $20 signing bonus for any curlers who join me on my quest to grab a spot in the mixed provincials
Thursday, January 29, 2004
i am still looking for curlers to round out my mixed team, currently i still require a lead, second, and third. i will accept ex-hockey players if necessary. i'm hoping that since teamtomko was only 1 shot away from going undefeated in our zone and earning a trip to the select i might be able to lure some half-decent rock throwers this year. last year i could find no one so i attempted to rapidly clone myself only to wind up with 3 really ugly curly-haired midgets who kept humping my leg. i ended up selling them to an escort service in nevada and i hear they are in high demand. in fact, celine dion herself uses them every other friday. poor midgets.
yet another celebrity desperate for attention has signed the teamtomko guestbook! check out what mr rod steward had to say here .. if you are a fan of drinking and singing then you need to check out the revolutionary crimsongs page located here
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
after 11 hard fought games in the mca teamtomko
we ate the lean meat of danish kittens before each game to stay in top physical shape
was overturned in back to back games last night to end the competitive mens season. the first loss came on sheet 1 of the victoria vs rob rampage. the inturn coming home curled 6 feet which we found out about one shot too late. the second loss was brought on by one of the great young delaymaster teams, dave hamblin. following in the footsteps of peter lindholm, young dave spends up to 48 seconds in the hack (which from what i hear is twice as long as his average intimate encounter) prior to throwing his stone. it must be working for him since they made more shots than us. this year the mca buffet received a rating of "not vomit-inducing". the shake-n-bake chicken was the highlight of the meal, with the lime jello a close second. several teeth were lost as curlers tried desperately to bite into the peanutbutter/concrete cookies. donny sprule will be spearheading a class action lawsuit so if any of you need representation contact him asap. during the meal we took the time to fill out the mca survey.. the wording of it gave me the feeling that the international inn (presently the victoria inn) has made the mca their hoe and won't 'allow' them to replace the buffet with $7 coupons for each curler redeemable at any curling club, which may help the bonspiel to grow. as pointed out by scott madman, if the mca gave out the coupons it would promote hanging around the clubs more which would increase revenue.. then the clubs would probably reduce ice rental a bit in turn. since the mca wouldn't have to pay the inn for food and time then the leftover money would make the mca high council even more stinking rich! everybody wins! during our game at chareswood yesterday morning i was tipped off about an interesting story involving behemoth allison goring, randle 'the handle' dutaime, a hotel room, and some bodily fluids. i'll be sure to fill out the details as they become available to me! it's been too long since a had a good allison goring story on the website.
now that mens curling is over i will have more time to enjoy being only 1 of 6 computer engineers in winnipeg that are collecting welfare. i would actually like to be employed, but it seems that no matter where i apply the position is filled from the inside. check out my resume and tell me what i'm doing wrong. i am also a very capable calculus and highschool math/physics tutor, so if you have any sons (or preferably daughters) who need some help don't hesitate to contact me. i can be paid in either pizza or banana pancakes.
Black Sunday, January 18, 2002
jesus fucking christ. after marching undefeated through the a-side of city zone 19, we knock off last years provincial champ in the b-side semifinal only to lose back to back games today to dean dumstone. my feelings about this weekend are detailed in the 'memories of zone 19 2003' article i wrote, you can read it here. we had all but won the first game after 6 ends, but then let it slip through our fingers somehow. we beat ourselves. the second game they beat us. i don't ever want to talk about that first game again. what a shitty deal. after curling so hard for 7 games and coming out with nothing i can understand why the grand slam curlers wouldn't think twice about boycotting their playdowns to hit a slam event. at least in a slam event you get something for coming in second place.. usually a nice big check.
Thursday, January 15, 2002
the la salle tune up last weekend must have really helped because teamtomko is making the shots that count which has resulted in nothing but W's so far in the zones! take a look at what we faced tonight and see what you would have called..... the game tonight will leave me with nightmares for months to come thanks to the eerie grin that the second on the other team would make every time he delivered a stone. even the most hardened war veteran would wet his pants with fear. i managed to sneak my camera onto the ice and i took this pic.. i urge you not to look at it unless you have nerves of steel. we play tomorrow in the a-side finals vs. the team which knocked lukeaditch onto the b-side tonight. since the mca is unable to post any zone results i'll bring my camera and take some pics of the draws for those of you out-of-province (huge armstrength)
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
teamtomko spent the weekend dodging skidoo's and sweeping ice in la salle. our regular lead (ty 'no means yes' specula) has recently taken ill after contracting a rather violent case of level II teste rash and so we used the spiel as a chance to tune up with our replacement player, the infamous jason smith, before the city zones.
ty enjoys some r&r
the doctors said that ty should be ok after a few weeks rest and a routine sex change operation to remove the infected tissues. this actually works out well becaues i still need to find girls for my mixed team this year (if you are interested contact me!) we ended up horse-whipping dandy neufeld in the sunday final to nab 1st place in the 2nd event for a total of $300.. badly needed cash to help pay for the zones and mca. the ice was so bad that i made several phone calls to the 'queer eye for the straight ice' hotline to help me place the broom in the right place.
during our semi-final we watched through the glass as ferby graphically sodomized morris on tv yet again in a nation-wide final. it's become so much fun to watch morris get frazzled by ferby that i'm creating a proposal for the cbc for a new odd-couple style sitcom tentatively titled "a means to an extra end" in which the two travel from town to town (during winter) solving crimes by applying the physics and strategy of curling. each episode will end with morris thinking he has solved the crime only to learn that the older and more experienced ferby has beat him to it, and that morris's findings were in fact mostly incorrect.. the ensemble laughs and morris shoots steam from his ears as the credits begin to roll.
i wanted to make some predictions about the city zones in this update, but ever since the mca spent $23 million to create their 'hip' flash intro screen they have had no money to pay anybody to actually update the site which means i couldn't find the zones draw, and so i don't know which teams are in which zone. i won't let this stop me however.. based on my insider contact in the who's who of curling and my own statistical research i present my 2004 city zone picks (95% accurate):
zone 1: vigfusson
zone 2: jean guy cote
zone 3: kyle fry
zone 4: murry woodward
zone 5: woody harrelson
zone 6: doug harrison
zone 7: mike mcewan's human form
if i am able to get a copy of the draw then i might be able to revise my picks.
Monday, December 29, 2003
congrats to kevin martin for reminding scotland that canada is the best curling nation in the alpha quadrant. a few of the shots during the skins final were picking footprints. i wrote a whole update about how footprints are the new cornbroom for the new millennium.
a test subject after wearing the hovershoe for 2 mins
after some more thought i have come up with the solution to footprints... hover-shoes! you've seen back to the future II right? same concept as the hover-board that alex keaton used to zip around on. after a quick prototype phase we are now testing the shoe but have come across several problems stemming from the high magnetic field needed to suspend the average 200lbs curler an inch over the ice surface. most of our test subjects report a 'melting sensation' and 'god awful pain' when wearing the shoes. although the shoes are not ready for production we have decreased the number of amputations as a result of wearing the shoe to only 26%.
internet security and spam is a worldwide problem, and apparently the good folks at the mca don't seem to place a high value on the privacy of manitoban curlers. after only 13 mins of hacking i was able to connect to the main eniac system via the mca's website! this means that i now have the email addresses of every competitive skip in the province! i plan to sell this list to any interested parties so please contact me if you would like to send love/hate to any of the rock throwers in this list.
this past weekend teamtomko curled in the fort rouge 'greasy pizza' speil. it all began with a loss to jim kirkness. no, not the captian of the enterprise NCC-1701, but just as handsome. his flurry of deuces proved too strong for our few singles. the good news is that he was out of the spiel before we were ;) the next game had us playing one sheet over from vic peters and his mccain super-fry. being so close to peters must have affected our play because we actually won! and with a last end draw to the button no less! this started us on a 2 game winning streak.. our longest since valor rd in september.
i've always wondered why spiel organizers include consolation events into their draws.. speaking to most curlers i know, they consider this more of an aggravation than a consolation. the history of the consolation event dates back to eygpt and the pharaoh krassander. for entertainment he would have slaves fight against various wild animals and feminists until they became physically to weak to fight back. needing a way to keep the slaves in anguish he added more rounds of pain with little or no chance for survival which he named the 'kransolation rounds'. the idea found it's way into curling during the second world war by sadistic german fleischbeschauer's, and somehow it became the norm in club speils ever since. as i curler i would like to see the consolation event trashed and replaced by 2 (or more) c-side qualifiers who would move on to the final round. they could be given less cash for qualifing since they will have won less games to do it. they would play vs. the teams which qualified on the b-side and the winners of that would face the a-side qualifiers in the semi-finals. it would still be 3-games guaranteed (not triple knockout) but with more incentive to play well if you happen to go bang-bang.
last year i waited too long to try and find women for my mixed team, so this year i thought i'd start a bit sooner.. so if you are a female with curling experience contact me and let's win a zone spot! this year i have a fallback plan as well.. during the 2003 worlds in winnipeg i bumped into heather mowat in the drinking tent and she told me (although she may not remember it now) that if i couldn't find anyone to curl with for mixed 2004 then she would play for me. It remains to be
my uke import - doesn't speak a word of english!
seen if she is a woman of her word.
lasty some good news. this week marks the return on my long lost beautacious girlfriend whom i sent on a mission to find the best perogies from all around the world. she tells me that while she was in jamaica she was bit by some rare species of bug which has caused her belly to swell up, but thankfully it's not life threatening and she said it should go down in 3 months. She has instructed me to prepare an ice-cream and pickle mixture which she must ingest to help the swelling go down. i can't wait to sample the many wares she will bring home.
Friday, December 12, 2003
this pic of the club reminds me of my wallet - empty
last weekends tsn mccain skins tournament gave me a great idea for how to finally make curling pay off for me. i am going to create my own country in which the exchange rate is 1 CND = 100 RTD (rt dollar). i'm no banker but i think that means that any cash i win will be worth something like 3 times as much when i return to my home land! pal trulson must have laughed all the way back to china or wherever he's from. i think his weekend winnings total more than his countries net revenue and i heard that he bought the government as a gift for his wife on christmas. how touching. i bet he's got a huge caucus.
but even more exciting was the horrendous outcome of team koe. they are only the second team to ever
the mascot makes the presentaion
leave the tsn mccain skins with less money then when they came! for this reason we are pleased (and a little teased) to name team koe as this months recipient of teamtomko.com's 'just as bad as us' award for their brilliantly dull performance! the pic on the left shows our 5th handing the trophey to koe's life-mate, gary shatner.
the teamtomko 3d curling game is improving at a dizzying pace. as you can see from the upper-right screenshot the 'club' is starting to take shape. we plan to use teamtomko-formatted scoreboards which means the score goes up to 50 before you have to loop around (we often find ourselves down by 23 during real-life games) which gives a more accurate visual representatino of who is winning when you glance at the score. i've updated the poll to see which features you would like to see in a curling game.. we already plan to include 'curling in the street' mode. NOTE: i will have more to say about the lawsuit next update
Wednesday, December 3, 2003
the shit has hit the fan.. teamtomko is being sued! read this to get yourself up to speed. check back often for updates as the drama unfolds.
what have we been doing for the past 2 months? well after valor rd. we lost a qualifying game to kyle goodwrench. it was tough to read the ice because 2000 lux of latent UV light was radiating from the other skip and melting the ice. we sent ty to get some sunglasses in the 4th end but he became 'occupied' with some female brazilian tourists and returned after the game was over, with a slight limp. the next two weekends we went winless in east st. paul and stonewall (unless you count beating lukawhich a real win) and ended up spending over $600 in gas and chinese food. after some crying and a few pushups we decided that our only chance to win was to play a speil on the MTC (manitoba toaster circuit) and so we drove out to pinawa for a weekend of praying and outturns. The first game was against the four founding fathers of the town, whose aging bodies are controlled by highly skilled nearsighted japanese puppet-masters using fishing wire, and stay alive only because of their daily bath in pure cherry coke (the pre 1965 stuff which contains elephant hormones). needless to say we lost to them, partly because we came 15 min late, and partly because we were distracted when the sweepers were calling out "IX" or "VII". a satisfying night in the piniwa motor hotel left us refreshed and covered in rashes but ready to curl nonetheless. we managed to pull off 4 wins to make it to the semifinals only to miss a 'gimme' game winning
teamtomko has big rocks
shot in the 10th end to advance to the final and play against that guy from kern-hill furniture co-op.. apparently he is the piniwa curling champ 3 years running. now as if that wasn't bad enough, in true teamtomko style we almost had a chance to steal the extra end away, but our last rock (an open draw behind a centerline gaurd) was burned and removed from play giving our opponents a draw to the house to goto the final. but i guess it could have been worse, we could have let the other team steal 7 ends in a row in front of a national audience. back in febuary of this year i gave a curling game review and mentioned that i was going to create my own 3d curling game by may 2003. it was a nice dream but it never got off the ground... until now! over the past week i have begun creating the game and as you can see from the screenshot the basics of graphics, physics, and interface are complete. i figure that a playable internet multiplayer demo will be ready by the end of the month.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
teamtomko.com is back after a long summer full of enjoying hairless gerbils and fighting
terrorism! the mascot kept busy by starting his own website when he wasn't buying home pregnancy tests. when asked how often he'll update his site he replied "she's not having twins.. i just misplaced my curling shoes again".
teamtomko's active member roster for this year is in a state of flux due to last years highly controversial controversialismness. as such it seems we will pull another 'worlds first' by being the worlds first competitive curling team to play an entire season with only 3 players! however, for our first adventure this year we managed to hypnotize and convince amateur disc jockey and professional curler doug 'the curlinator' harrison to curl with us. utilizing the famous ferby style of throwing order we managed to qualify through the A side of the valour roads 'big entry but small payoff' mct bonspiel 2 weekends ago! this means that after only one weekend of curling we have won more money than i made all summer working as an 'unemployment insurance receiver'! the bonspiel had little highlights except for when curling great jennifer jones made a slanderous on-ice comment directed at doug which made him go ballistic and start smashing the ice with his fists and mustache. my recollection of it is a bit hazy and may be inaccurate because i was very tired during that game due to it being only 1pm and i had be used to sleeping in till 5pm all summer long.
Tuesday, June 9, 2003
in the apparent death of rt, i (tyler) decided to write an update. scott and i have spent hours drinking chinese rum and have come up with a complex theory which explains rt's disappearance. basically, we figure that an iraqi militant group has kidnapped
bomb the infidels!
rt and transformed him into a sadam look-alike by day, and an ass mistress by night. we suspect they are also using his insane mind to produce anti-american propaganda cartoons in order to rebuild their destroyed army. hopefully they will soon realize that he is infected with a rare penis-shortening strand of hepa-herpes and send him home to us so we can continue to laugh at his crazy antics.
back in the peg, it's the summer/curling off-season, so scott and i are attempting to raise money for the upcoming season. in retrospect, we shouldn't have vomited on several of the citys businesses because now nobody will even think about sponsoring us, and so we have to work to raise the $45,000 it costs us to curl with rt (most of that is just his personal fee for allowing us to stand within 5 feet of his holiness). although scott's job as a fresh air inspector doesn't pay very well, i'm covering for both of us by working for MTS. i've taken the liberty of drawing you all a picture of my days at work so you can see how hard it is to make a living. as you can see from the image all the working has slimmed me down to a size 6 so if any of you grade 12 ladies need a date for grad then dial mah digits!
in an attempt to take money from fools we've also started a summer training camp, but this year instead of focusing on getting in good physical condition we're taking a different approach.
notice the swarm blue bees poised to attack
we feel that by building our alcohol tolerances to extreme levels we will be able to out-drink any team that laces up their shoes. this in turn allows us to easily win the next mornings draw as the team we we're to play will still be either passed out, cross-eyed, dead, or cursed with barf-breath. no team will be able to resist drinking with us as we will incorporate key phrases such as, "drink up pussies", "what are you, some kind of pussy?", "hey pussy, grab a beer", or the classic "why don't you put down your purse and take a swig you rank pussy!". in order to build our tolerance i have managed to intercept the whiskey train and stolen 17 barrels of partially aged 90 proof crown royal and 4 hospital IV's. we hook the booze strait to our veins for 5 hours per day and increase the drip speed by 2oz per hour every second day. by the end of the summer we will easily be able to consume a texas micky per man, per night. no one will stand a chance!
but wait.. there's more!! check out teamtomko's gonad-busting old news
feb-april - curling games review, team bubbs, 2003 worlds in wpg, women
january - ape mca, minor win, winnipeg sun review, alternate slide styles
december - christmas poem, kim kelly's bloopers caught on tape
november - footprints, womans curling, website reviews, greatest hit 8
october - team diet, jackets, first win of the season, jordy jones, martin
september - greatest hit 6 & 7, ft.garry spiel, team workout
august - greatest hit 4 & 5, poke-a-virus, annual team meeting
july - the first greatest hit, jew-dy, and rt's life
june - world's worst curling website, some stefanie, graduation
may - curling wars dance mix, lots of stefanie, curling website review
