teamtomko wins a game!!
teamtomko wins a game!!
they dun said it couldn't be dun, but we up gone un dun it! in what
some spectators are calling the 'second game i've seen them play'
and 'not very exciting', teamtomko has beat the odds (poor family,
but they had it coming) and overcame huge obstacles (our own lack
of talent) to win our first game of the season earlier tonight.
although we haven't won any money yet, we also haven't lost any and
that is reason enough to throw a party. all the teamtomko.com fans
are invited to show up at the pool and waterslide in the garden city
inn around 8ish on saturday. if security asks who you are just say
'my friend john has a room here', that's always worked for teamtomko
in the past.. but failing that be sure to bring a board with a nail
in it, several large blunt objects, and a change of clothes should
the situation turn ugly.
main event standings
b-side standings
the mascot celebrates
Thursday, September
26, 2002
with mere hours left until teamtomko plays their first sudden-death
game of the year, we continue to go over what went wrong in our
first game. we wore the right shoes, burned broom-shaped brands
into our buttocks, and even limited our alcohol consumption to no
less than 4 beers!! it took a while to cut through the fat, but
i think this weeks greatest hit zeros in on the cause of our shameful
loss.
teamtomko.com greatest hit #7
as you can see from the stimulating simulation, the fault lies with
god for inventing the game of curling. plans are being draw to seek
out and capture this evil heathen and force him to abolish the game,
fat people, hepa-herpes, and the womens television network.
Tuesday, September
24, 2002
click for full draw
tonight teamtomko was stepped on by some heavy
shoes.. stepped on until we were as flat as a parchment and
then we were packaged up and sold as a new fruit rollup flavor,
'hopeless'. we were matched up against the current mens provincial
champion (from last years tainted 'big 3'-less season) who i've
heard have been practicing mind control and bowel enhancing
techniques which allow them to play 16 end games without stepping
off the ice!
although we technically lost, at the end of the day we came
out ahead. we were 4 games away from qualifying and the loss
moves us up to 3 games
away! now we should have no problems disposing of the feeble b-side
'opponents' who are often late for games because they can't tie their
own shoes without their mothers help. speaking of teen mothers, check
out the rantings on this
page... i thought the one at the bottom was particularly accurate.
fort garry fee-nix
: sept 24 6:45pm
1
nagel vs wiebe (beaten by a girl!)
12-2
2
wrench vs conan the conqueror
5-4
3
olson vs martin
7-1
4
weibe vs mcfatten
7-5
5
tomko vs luke-a-which
2-8
6
woz vs neilson
6-1
Monday, September
23, 2002
i'm beginning to think that the reason that winter
exists is because summer is afraid of curling and runs away
as soon as icemakers start to flood the sheets. teamtomko's
first bonspiel starts tomorrow night and the temperature has
fallen to 4° celsienheit. teamtomko will be updating our
win/loss page with our results, and the results of all teams
in the spiel. our mascot has promised to sit at the club all
day and watch every draw, so long as we pick up his bar tab.
be sure to watch for bonspiel pics as well as videos of teamtomko
getting in touch with the players of the mct.
on an unrelated note be sure to take a break from selling crack
to kids and go and see the new jackie chan movie coming out
this weekend costarring jennifer love hugetits as a punching
bag
the mascot warm up
Thursday, September
19, 2002
during my career as a curling i've been asked several times, "why
does you team lose so much, and what did you do with my sister last
night?". the answer to both questions is 'we sucked'. but the
past can be swept away like a very thin child standing by a highway
as a semi pulling 2 trailers full of sailor-moon length skirts to
be delivered to 'gap teen' stores across the country drives by. shots
like this weeks greatest hit will soon be memories which only sever
head trauma or brazilian hypnosis could help us remember.
teamtomko.com greatest hit #6
Wednesday, September
18, 2002
with the curling season only 1.2 million seconds
away teamtomko has begun focusing on curling specific training
to help give us an edge (and do we ever need edges.. all we
seem to have are flats) for the first couple of games of the
season.
while other teams will still be re-attaching their prothstetic
curling legs and sharpening the ends of their brooms just in
case lestat decides to skip a team this year, teamtomko will
be throwing straight and sweeping hard thanx to our workout
routine. oh yea, go here.
i would suggest this workout to any curling team looking for a
way to rise about the seething low-brow cut-throat world of cashspiel
curling to become a true athlete worthy of participating in a sport
which is now olympified.
teamtomko.com curling workout
first of all find a gym that is for men only (even if you are a
girl) and is flaming gay. gay gyms are the best to work out at because
you are always on your toes which raises adrenaline levels allowing
you to achieve higher muscle efficiency without the benefits of
ass-zits and shrinky-dink which accompany steroids.
now the exercises you'll perform will depend on your position on
your team, and the size of your philtrum. skips thirds and seconds
should be able to legpress the weight of the heaviest girlfriend
of the team if she were pregnant, and leads need strong sweeping
arms so i would recommend doing one-arm bench presses of at least
100 pounds.
i think this was the same training routine that jesus did shortly
before he was burned at the stake for being a witch
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
"update the site stupid" ... "put up those
f___ing pics already!" ... "where is your child
support for this month?" these are just a few of the
loving sentiments i have been getting via email from the 'top
5 percentile' teamtomko.com fans.
things have been getting busy with registering for bonspiels,
shaving our foreheads, luring some sponsors, and stealing
team apparel. the new bonspiel list for this season is up
and soon the win/loss page will start filling with the letter
"L".
recently teamtomko took the mascot out for a night to help
publicize the our team and you can find the pics here.
