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Thursday, October 31, 2002

martin pick up some pointers
on the weekend the mckain super spiel west was unwrapped, placed in the over, baked for 12 mins and then won by perhaps the most attractive curler of all time, the carter rycroft team. scoring 7 points in each of their last 5 games, they apparently had no problem squashing (much like a fright train flattens pennies and moose left on the track) the teams foolish enough to attempt to defeat them. it is a little know fact that the rycroft rink is actually unbeatable so long as they are not curling in an international event. this stems mostly from their diet of creatine and viagra, or so i'm told. of course they sometime 'lose' games as not to be disqualified by the cca. very heroic. i am going to write parliament and nominate the rycroft rink as primeminister candidates.
as the big names curled for money, teamtomko (or rather tomko) was curling in the club league where 'take out weight' usually refers to the mass of the player, not the velocity of the shot. but curling at any level is good fun, even more so now that there is a no smoking bylaw in place which forces the 'athletes' who like to take a 5th end puff to head out into the alley between ends where they will hopefully be mugged and/or kidnapped and sold as wives to arabian sheiks.
Monday, October 17, 2002
a new week brings new hope that teamtomko will be able to curl for cash again before this season ends. on the weekend teamtomko went to a costume party full of 14 year old rabbits (and by that i mean smegma(and by that i mean bison(and by that i mean girls(and by that i mean boys)))). sadly my that last sentence is terribly incorrect.. first of all only one member of the team showed up, but moreover the 14 year old rabbits were really 18 years old.
of course the digicam was there and the pics will be up as quick as you can say 'the words of this sentence are : the words of this sentence are : the words of this......' ad infinitum.
Tuesday, October 17, 2002

ty gets lade
this would have been the weekend where teamtomko terrorized the salacious town of kenora, in the 'too big to care' province of ontario. however recent budgetary cutbacks mixed with our long-lasting losing streak has combined to produce a military-grade mustard gas compound, which we plan to either sell to the venution army (as if the texans needed more firepower) or give to that damm neighborhood bobcat who keeps eating our limbs.
things seem to be heating up in the guestbook.. there seems to be a lot of blowback over a homosexual comment that was shot all over our faces. i know for a fact that the prurient teamtomko fans are firm in their heterosexuality, and enjoy that glory whole. it is very hard for me to believe, and makes me stiff with apprehension to think that the teamtomko fans, many of which who work at a meat-packing factory, could go limp in their morals and come to entertain evening callers of similar gender. i refuse to swallow that notion.

last weekend teamtomko attended a shindig. that is not actually true. half of the team showed up, while the other half either stayed at home, or homed and stayed. the pics from the evening will be up soon so check back often for them... please?
Thursday, October 24, 2002
it has been nearly 13 weeks since my last updates.. no wait.. carry the 2, uhh, add 7.. errr........ it has been a long time since my last update. the reason, much like alison goring's midsection, is twofold. first and foremost is that the only curling that teamtomko has been doing is club in an "old man" league, and i didn't feel like writing mordant updates about ben gay and diapers. secondly rt has been very busy (which means the 35 mins i used to use for cleaning my arms and gluttial crevice is now gone) with creating and testing an exciting new game for the pc. i'm sure many of you have head of the game Lemmingstm created by dma design in 1991, if not check out the Lemmingstm fanpage for more info. the game rt is making is based on lemmings but with multiple enhancements. at any rate i will try to force myself out of bed before 1pm and spit out a (curling based) update everyday until nov 18.
Monday, October 14, 2002

from all of us here a teamtomko.com, have a safe and fattening thanksgiving!


turkey is delicious
Sunday, October 13, 2002

get off the ice, man!

4 games... 3 last rock decisions... 9 hours of curling... 1 discontented (perhaps even a bit querulous) team. a partial source of our gripe (apart from missing dozens of shots) was the 'north-end low cost housing'-like cleanliness of the ice. one hair cost us a win, a second hair may have cost us a win, and a third hair surely didn't help us by giving up a deuce. oddly enough all of these hairs were in the way of skips stones (the most holy and delicious of all stones)!
the only logical explanation as to why there was so much hair and mouse ears on the ice is that during the summer the club must have been a hub for the shaving and exporting of indonesian wrestlers of french descent. somehow a shipment of body hair must have found it's way into the ice-plant and crudded up the water supply, hence the lossiticity on our part and the cryitocity we heard coming from the basement. either way we've lost several hundred dollars and unless we get a cash injection soon, things could get ugly because the team moral is lower than the v-neck on j lo's grammy outfit


time has been unusually cruel to mr. jones
in other curling news former longstanding junior mens curler jordy jones was recently spotted in iraq holding a seminar entitled "how to add 10 years to your junior career". he illustrates how he fooled british officials into thinking he was 18 for 6 years in a row. since then teamtomko.com has been informed that he has moved to beijing and underwent plastic surgery to take 20 years off his appearance. police have been keeping a bowl of urine and garlic outside their front door to lure jones in for questioning in a series of curling-related confidence scams.

in other, other news i was rereading some of my old teamtomko.com work and i would suggest to you that if you haven't already read my reply to the spam email about "transferring large money" that you do so now... first read his email (which is at the bottom of the text file), and then read my reply. if you don't smile at least once then send your name and creditcard number to me for a $5 credit.
Saturday Night, October 12, 2002

i want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
oily, greasy, fleecy, shining
steaming, gleaming, flaxen, waxen...

(in 5th major hamony)
knotted, polka-dotted
twisted, beaded, braided
powdered, flowered, and confettied
mangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!
Saturday, October 12, 2002

the plump robin
 thank god for round robin formats.. they allow a 'win some, lose hella-some' team like teamtomko to not only survive a loss, but potentially force enegy-draining tiebreakers for the teams which trample us like a rabbit caught in a bull run.
we started with a near 150% game (teamtomko's skill limit is well over 600%, but we rarely get past 13%) against two-nell-ee-ay last night, and then were skull-bashed by a team whose front end combined age is still less than the skips! age brings experience (and urethral hypermobility) as well as the ability to hit the broom irrespective of slide technique.
there seems to be a problem with the last few picture sets... i am too lazy to comment and put them online. however i am slated for an obscure surgery tomorrow in which incisions are made near my rontle's bone in order to increase blood flow to my intestines and scrotum. with any luck i'll have the spirit of a 9 year old again very soon so keep checking back for the pics!
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
this weekend was a dark day in teamtomko history indeed.. it started when selkirk took $320 from us, and ended with the disturbing news (from the double t guestbook) that klammerlock (whom i once tried to hammer into the ice with my broom.. man did that get me in trouble!!) managed to focus his chi solely into this dimension and use it (along with his unique take out weight which is clocked using a calendar instead of a stopwatch) to claim first place in the selkirk 'ironcity' classic!
in an effort to improve his game, rt tried to mimic the great orest meleschuck by getting more wasted than charity and then attempting to curl the next morning at 9am.

the death of a liver
and by 'attempting' i mean waking up at 8am, staggering up the basement stairs and vomiting repeatedly into the kitchen sink until you fall onto the linoleum and wake up 3 hours later with a spider in your hair.
the pictures from that night, and the few selkirk pics should be up soon (as well as those ft.garry pics ;)) .. in the mean time try to beat my score in the curling game cracker!
Saturday, October 5, 2002
update is pending.........

saturday noon draw
Friday, October 4, 2002

the strippers were underpaid
the natural order of things has resumed... teamtomko lost, no.. 'lost' is too simple... we were bashed in the heads with brooms and rocks until our brains mushed out, at which point our opposition molded unflattering busts of us with our skull discharge.
it turns out that bootitsdrip (the 4th god of curling) was on vacation in kyoto up until yesterday when he once again flooded out sheets of hope, scraped them to form deep ridges and then didn't put on any pebble!
sadly there is no rest for the wicked or curlers and so our first game in selkirk is tonight vs argubly the most intense mct player ever to be genetically engineered... we'll be lucky to escape with out limbs intact
since the bonspiel is over the pics will be up shortly! don't forget to check them out and cast your vote for the most hideous curler in manitoba!
Wednesday Night, October 2, 2002

is the fabric of reality coming apart? have the laws of physics been rewritten? does your chewing gum lose it's flavor on the bedpost overnight!?! the answer to at least two of these questions is 'yes' because teamtomko has won yet again tonight! this shoves teamtomko into the semifinals and hurls $200 more cash our way... unfortunately since we are unaccustomed to getting money from curling our money management skills are equal to those of a 3 year old arabian child. as such we have already bought 3 nuclear weapons with our winnings, and several bowls of chicken-little soup.
it's ironic to think that in our first 5 games this year we have won over 3 times as much cash as we got in our entire 2001-2002 season!!


vanquished foe

gort farry standings

our new team fashions

 
Tuesday Night, October 1, 2002
teamtomko qualifies!

you don't have cataracts and i didn't slip some e into your drink, you are reading the above line correctly! somehow teamtomko has fallen through the cracks (and cracked the fallen) and found ourselves in the qualification round of the ft.garry bonspiel.


main event standings

b event standings

the win tonight marks the first time ever that teamtomko has qualified at an mct event (sadly this is false, the ft.garry spiel isn't actually a mct event.. even when we win, we still lose). scientists and curlers alike are baffled as to how teamtomko has managed to win enough games to qualify.. one theory is that bootitsdrip (the 4th god of curling) who jinxed us all last season went to get a drink during the summer and when he came back he mistaked a rotting tiger carcass for our team.. and so without him watching over us we are free to win again! others credit the lip-implants scott and myself had done to help add focus and titillation to our line calls.

 after watching us curbstomp our opposition, many fans ask us how teamtomko manages to stay in such good shape. although that information is available during our 4 hour workshop, i will divulge it here for the betterment of mankind.. the secret is twofold. first a steady diet of sweetnutz (a protein rich meal supplement consisting of brazil nuts, sunflower seeds, honey and bat fur) and green power (a refreshing chinese beverage which thankfully only expires two years from when you read the label) followed by a resting period of 55 minutes in which you either watch star trek tng, or star trek voyager, depending on your need for arousal.

 



Ryan Tomko (skip)
rt.jpg (12846 bytes)


Scott Madams (third)
scott.jpg (3123 bytes)

Tyler Specula (second)
from gimli


Dan Cox (lead)
dan.gif (8558 bytes)


Our Mascot (fifth)