in a very unchairisteristic move, kuran allow teamtomko
to advance to the qualifier final today. we suspect he was trying
to curry favour with scott in order to gain access to
his satellite dish to watch season 2 of the 'golden girls'.
after vaporising kuran we suffered a devastating loss to a former
national champion, which left a sour taste in our mouths, although
the doctors say that it might have something to do with the bleach
i drank last month in an attempt to to wash away our losing streak.
tomorrow we play some bumble bees for $800 and we intend to rip out
their stingers and mate with their queens before we're done!
Friday Night, November
29, 2002
by wielding the power of greyskull teamtomko managed to defeat the
current junior world curling champions in our first game in morris
earlier this evening! now according to african curling rules 'if any
team
defecates on the property of, mates with the pets of, or defeats in
battle any team which holds a world title, the title shall be handed
down', and since we match 2 of the 3 conditions, teamtomko will be
holding an autograph session tomorrow at 8am at the gentleman's club,
and then cocktails at 9pm in the alley behind hooters.
tomorrow we play a team which cannot be beat, only cut.... but that
won't stop us from making them drive all the way to morris for 2 hours!
our only advantage will be the horrendous 'mcdonalds soft drink quality'
ice on which anything can happen.
Thursday, November
28, 2002
this weekend teamtomko will attempt to become the worlds
most hairless curling team by soaking for 10 mins in 200 cubic liters
of nair. in addition we can be found in morris (the town, not the
john) looking to qualify for the third time this year. our first game
will commence at 7pm on friday, which means my regular friday night
routine of watching 4 hours of star trek tng will be disrupted. it
is unknown what effects this might have on my internal warp core containment
field, but so long as the phase discriminators hold up then the plasma
flow injectors should function within starfleet defined parameters.
curling has come a long way from the days of corn brooms and frozen
rivers... did you know that curling started as a way for mobsters
to hide the severed heads of their victims? they would entomb the
heads in concrete and use them as curling rocks! today most rocks
no longer have heads in them and sheets are made of formulated water,
monitored by digital thermometers, and thousands of dollars are spent
to buy machines to scrape the ice to ensure a perfect playing surface.
in the not-so-old days when cornbrooms still reined, no one worried
much about
watch out for that hair
the rocks picking hairs because of the 'hit em up' style of play.
because so many arms were breaking due to the ridiculous forces exerted
on the elbow when sweeping with a cornbroom, a pushbroom was developed
allowing anyone to sweep without having to put in the practice of
cornbrooms and as a bonus there were less hairs released. as the skill
of curlers increased the draw game was being played more often and
some teams would switch from pushbroom to cornbroom during a game
to purposely dirty up the ice in an attempt to mess up the other team..
although with all the smoking that was occurring on the ice i don't
know how they had the lungs for cornbrooms.
those days (much like scotts hepa-herpes) are gone and now most teams
use synthetic brushes which don't leave any hair behind.. but the
ice today is created to be so soft that a new enemy has surfaced to
replace the cornbrooms of yore.. the footprint! the footprint
is an insidious foe because they are nearly invisible and cannot be
swept away in a single brushstroke. at least when a rock hits a hair
it goes sideways and leaves a scratch on the ice so you can see it
and say 'yup, caught a hair' and return to your fantasy that you are
the best curler in the world who never misses a shot.. but with footprints
it's different, half the time the direction of the rock only changes
very slightly, but enough to tick the gaurd you were coming around,
and if the skipper isn't watching very close no one will ever know
why that rock curled. nowadays when teams are losing they will stand
in the path that they think the opposition will thrown down just to
leave a footprint or two with the intent of messing up the other team...
hence footprints are the new cornbroom! i long for a day when curlers
attach hoverpacks to themselves so that nothing but the rock and brooms
made from human skin will touch the surface of the ice.
Wednesday, November
27, 2002
a curling god
it has been months since i've mentioned the name of the most attractive
female curler in canada, but the silence will continue no more! last
weekend the richard team failed to qualify from their pool in the
2002 jean greenbank-martin memorial classic at the capital winter
club in fredericton, nb. i suspect they may have lost because Richard
was distracted by her concern that my feeling may have been hurt when
i received the barrage of emails (back in may) from her henchmen telling
me to stop mentioning her name on my website.. but i want to make
it known that i took no offense to her tactics and i wish her all
the success that teamtomko has had. no wait. that's not something
i would wish on on anyone! i just hope there are no hard (hurry hard!)
feelings between the teamtomko.com website and the good people of
old bunswick.. or is it new now? i have a terrible memory for these
things.
the two major curling sites have revamped their looks recently and
like a hamster hanging from the top of his cage, teamtomko.com has
grabbed hold of both! curling.com has kept us as a link for over 7
months now, and you can read my review of the other teams links in
the may2002 update. curling.ca has had a dislike/hate relationship
with us but since the overhaul teamtomko has re-infected the links
page. so here now is a review of the other team sites from curling.ca
so you can have an idea of how we compare.
the best thing about this site is the 'amazing'
3d welcoming text. the 3d images next to the links will be exciting
to anyone under 5 or over 65.
the small, blurry, dark photo of their team, and mysterious
picture of that frosted lucky charms guy in place of their personal
pics shows you how proud they are of their own site
Pros: fancy graphics
Cons: no content
Rating: blanked end
the first problem is that curling.ca doesn't even
link to this site properly! if you are able to find their
site you'll notice that the constant use of the french language
is limiting their fanbase. however i highly recommend
you go to their photo
album and check out pic numéro 3 de 3 .. it's a classic
teamtomko-style pic!
Pros: the lead jean gagnon is almost joel gagnon
Cons: je ne parle pas français.. je suis un tête
de merde
Rating: couldn't understand the sweeping calls
other than not being updated for a few weeks, this is a very
well designed site. they need some more recent photos in the
gallery, and their guestbook is lacking in entries, but overall
a nice site that i can't see myself visiting more than once.
Pros: pretty colors
Cons: boring
Rating: hit for 9 ends then drew for one to win
berthelot
much like teamtomko, i suspect that this team
hasn't been doing very well and therefore cannot pay the bills.
the site was down when i visited.
Pros: simple, one page design
Cons: no actual website
Rating: didn't pay the entry fee and was kicked out of the spiel
the banner at the top displays the teams uncanny
ability to throw the legendary 'no turn' shot. this alone should
give them a good rating. unfortunately dr. bitz's two sentence
updates render this site less attractive than a woman with 3
noses.
Pros: they link to teamtomko.. and i never even asked them to!
Cons: use of the phrase 'tid bitz'
Rating: blanked the end, then gave up a steal of 4.
the first thing i noticed was that this junior
team has won more than 15 times as much money than teamtomko.
with all that cash you'd think they could afford to go to school
where they might learn how to write so that that someone would
write updates for the site!
Pros: outstanding presentation
Cons: nothing to read or do
Rating: the other team never showed up
did you know that he's only curled for 8 years
and competed in the junior nationals for 6 of those years? the
bromidic updates on the main page we so predictable i wondered
if a robot had written them.... "Our next super league
game is Wednesday against Ryan Ledrew" .. so insightful!
Pros: lots of pics of the players
Cons: the gallery is as much fun as nailgunning your ass shut
Rating: i was intimidated of their matching jackets
the shotty quality of this site is apparent right from page
one.. the desinger didn''t even bother to change the default
title;"home" in the titlebar. and as far as i can
tell the site hasn't been updated in over a year!
Pros: no spelling mistakes
Cons: it's taking up internet space which could be used for
porn
Rating: someone needs to put up the score
the way these 'street people' try to sell the
curling team as if it were a beanie baby or some kind of burger
is sad. the lack of updates and the pathetic photo gallery combine
to make this a 'must visit once' website. their 'team
mailing list' is no doubt sold to advertisers as a was to generate
team revenue.
Pros: the girls are cute
Cons: they sold out
Rating: flashed an open hit, but are splitting the winnings
this kids must be rolling in the dough.. on their
main page they have 10 sponsor advertisements! unfortunately
the entire website seems to be nothing but a billboard for the
sponsors. the guestbook looks like puke, and the video's in
the gallery are worse than watching titanic
Pros: the flash banner up top
Cons: no updates, too many ads
Rating: they couldn't shoot straight because their jackets were
too stiff due to having so many logo's
there were 2 websites i omitted from the review.. team law because
i don't want to fly to close to the sun, and team robinson because
i got them last time.
perusing the other sites has inspired me to generate a new look for
teamtomko.com... something with lots of topless chickens and angry
looking horses. i'll have a prototype ready for next week so be prepared
to vote on it.
no sooner had i written the 'gender 8-ender' update (november 15)
then did teamtomko get humbled by the fairer sex themselves. our very
first game of the spiel was vs. a mostly female team who proceeded
to defeat us without breaking a nail (although they sure nailed a
few breaks).
inbetween grinding my teeth, biting my lip, and handing out my phone
number i found myself becoming more and more confused (if that's possible)
by the actions of the womans team. the things i saw rang true for
most womans teams that i had seen at the scott as well (however i
didn't get to watch very much of the scott.. on day 2 i jumped out
of a 3rd storie window hoping to incur a concussion which would last
the week so i wouldn't be tempted to watch any more). one thing is
that womens teams seem to talk in full sentences when they are calling
line, i.e. "hurry! really hard girls we need to rub 1/3 of the
tight gaurd to hold the shooter and i think it's a bit tight now".
have you noticed that when the thirds take over calling line they
act like they have a split personality? as soon at the shooter lets
go you hear "HARD!! (this is one of those mega screams that only
women can do, and the 'ard' sound is held for roughly 6 seconds at
a constant tone).. clean".
don't be fooled by the rocks that i throw, i'm still i'm
still m of teamtomko
on that same note (pun intended) i find that they also misuse the
term "nothing". i can't count the number of times i've heard
a womans teams skip (or more often third) say 'whoa.. nothing!' only
to end up having the rock make contact and worse yet stick around.
i would like to go into more detail about this but my horse hoof sandwich
is almost ready so i gots to finish this update.
where was i? .... oh yea, so we lost our first game to the girls,
then with our tail between out legs we troddled up the b-side only
to face them again in the final. this time we had scott unbutton his
shirt to distract them.... the ploy paid off and teamtomko is now
one of the qualifiers of the valor rd mega-ultra-super-pagan spiel
to be held in march.
the pics from the bonspiel are mostly up and the halloween pics will
be done by tomorrow so check em out and post your comments in the
guestbook.
after putting on golf shoes and walking over the faces of
our opponents (metaphorically) last night, teamtomko followed
suit this morning with a flawless victory over a team headed
by a skip with possibly the best draw weight in the world.
to see what i mean check out this week's greatest hit.
teamtomko.com's greatest hit #8
as is demonstrated by the movie, even when we play our best
and leave only a 0.000004% chance of letting the other team
score, they will. every time. we could saw their arms off but
with out luck the detached limbs would reanimate (just like
in fantasia) and curl 100%. we need to create a machine which
somehow feeds on our uncanny power to make improbable events
occur, and use this machine to print out winning lottery tickets..
i'm sure there is a connection there.
tonight we are up against a very old man whom i was once under
the command of back when i wasn't so dependant on viagra. i
know the old man well and suspect that years of soy-pepsi and
mock-sasauge has left him with one foot in the grave, and if
all goes well tonight his feet with be reunited!
i have completed putting up the jbday pics and am half-complete
the devon halloween pics so check them out and post your comments
in the guestbook!
Friday, November 15,
2002
crack!
so tonight after virtual years of not curling as a team,
teamtomko will once again hike up our skirts and see if we can't hit
the button (or at least a hairless midget) a few times. to prepare
myself for tonight's game i've been watching the continental cup,
more precisely i've been watching the woman's games and finding myself
puzzled at what i see.
do you ever notice how when the women make a good shot the skip (or
third) will say 'great shot <name>'.. they actually use the
shooters name, so that the other players aren't confused who she's
talking to i guess.... and if they make a terrible shot the skip will
say "ok, good shot". are these woman on ice? (pun intended)
do they do this in their professional lives? "well doctor you
were supposed to remove her right leg but ok, good shot".
even when they are calling line (say, for a simple come around), there
comes a point when you know the shot is lost, but the woman keep calling
sweeping as if it still has a chance, and then when the rock noses
the guard they act surprised, like they thought that the sweepers
could maybe get some negative-curl as long as they kept yelling (but
don't get me started on woman's sweeping.. that's a whole different
topic). then the shooter comes down and says "geeze that one
really moved" to which the skip says "yah i don't know what
happened, you threw it good" while on the jumbo-tron they are
showing how if the shooter had dumped the stone any more they would
have had to call a medical time-out to put a cast on her wrist...
shades of the new school dogma of not failing anyone because it might
hurt their feelings.
this type of image consciousness isn't as prevalent in mens play...
it just doesn't behoove us to worry about the feelings of our teammates
in such a 'cabbage-patch tenderness' way. in mens play, if a players
lets go inside there is a very passionate 'HARD' bellowed, and the
moment that it becomes apparent that the rock will wreck on the front
their is silence from the skip and shooter, as both mourn for the
missed opportunity and the sweepers realize that they are SOL. the
best you can hope for after a shot like that is an unenthusiastic
"ok" from the skip, but most often only silence. when the
shooter comes down the skip will say "you were way tight"
to which the shooters says "i know". that's it. simple painful
honesty. of course there are a few male players who will lie
to themselves, but only so long as they are losing. "if my rock
in 4 didn't curl so much (not due to any fault of my own) we'd be
in the lead!" .. it's the rocks fault. but if the team is winning
then it's "sorry boys i threw that terrible".
it's a funny game.
Tuesday, November
12, 2002
the mascot got to toss some stones
what a weekend! the fry impostor in the guestbook was 'paid a visit'
by a couple of of teamtomko's delightfully frightening fans (hermaphroditic
transvestites from ireland with horns instead of eyes)... as it
turned out he was an out of work parrot-feces impersonator.
also, kevin martin (whom i am still hoping will appear on the next
'celebrity boxing' match vs. the star of ekeln-fernsehen (the german
spinoff of teletubbies), nastassja kinski) got some airtime as he
took center stage in the continental cup which was billed as an
'intense 4 day showdown of the best curlers in the world' but was
in actuality a cleverly orchestrated event thought up by
martin's p.r. coordinator (the elusive rudy ramcharan) to fool spectators
into thinking that martin won an international competition, thus
ensuring that fans will continue to watch next time he's overseas,
instead of saying 'why watch? i already know he'll take second place!'.
i almost bought it too, but during the final when they were interviewing
kevin you can see rycroft crying in the distance with lindholm hugging
him and promising not to play as well for the next few ends.
'why doesn't rt call me anymore?'
you may have noticed that there were many teamtomko-like shots
being made, and this one in particular
was very reminiscent of a shot that buried us that time we played
against satan to decide once and for all who 'plays with his stones
the most'.
in other news teamtomko will be doing what we do best this friday
(and i am not referring to sculpting avocado's into baboon genitalia,
contrary to what you may have heard) and after such a 'rest' i think
the team will once again win perhaps 0 or 1 games.. Also the long
awaited teamtomko curling wars music video is back under way and
might be completed as soon as easter 2005.. if mrs. richard doesn't
stop us before that. i suppose i should add the pics from that party
last month soon so keep an eye out for that.
Monday, November 4,
2002
much like the quantum nature of the world we live in, the month
of october was teamtomko's best and worst month simultaneously.. on
the best side, we won more money in one speil than we did in the last
12 (which finally gave me the financial freedom to have a pair of
chicken breasts grafted onto my neck). on the worst side, team communications
have degraded to the point where we resemble george's parents from
the sitcom seinfield. on the plus side it has left plenty of
time to work on the computer game i've been developing with hopes
of cashing in and using the money to hold an invitational mega-spiel
where each team will have to play team rycroft in a 'best of 7' match.
the twist (which will draw huge advertising dough) is that the teams
will have to agree to take off a layer of clothing everytime they
miss a shot. i'm certian that fox and wtn will eat this up.
save us xneascot!
once again it seems that the teamtomko guestbook (which was intended
to help raise skirts) is raising tempers as junior highschool-style
threats continue to fly around like a muslim-controlled jetplane.
this situation is just fraught with tension and as a precaution, the
teamtomko mascot has been sent overseas to take part in several combat
training sessions from a multitude of asian martial artists including,
but not limited to: elvis, the queen, queen, xena's publicist, and
j lo.
it is hoped than when he returns next week teamtomko will be safe
in the event that the some of the guestbook insolence-stew spills
over, hits the element and starts to explode.
