today marks the halfway point of the 2002 year.. our profit from
curling thus far is -$2300. but that can be flipped around quickly
with a couple of first place finishes on the mct... which i'm sure
we an do. the hard part is getting my team to keep sweeping my stones
for another year! i have to keep plying them with gifts and lower
back massages to keep them loyal.
within the next month teamtomko.com will change
to better assist the team in attracting sponsors and very young
foreign girls. we plan to have several sponsorship levels..
such as 'mascot' level, which is for donations of $0.50 or less.
with your donation you will have your name and a picture of
your neck placed onto our soon-to-be created sponsorship page
i've finished adding the 'tijuana' pics from saturday
night.. some of the pictures i couldn't put up due to their
salacious nature. had i done so then i would have been encouraging
exactly what this
website is fighting against! notice the graph on the bottom
of the page? well i don't want to have any part in fueling our
country's already high curbstomping rate
Monday, July 29, 2002
to think that curlers across canada will be back on the ice in less
than 8 weeks is both terribly exciting and excitingly terrible. i
will throw more than 700 rocks during competitive games this season
and as the mascot as my witness i swear that most of those will end
up where i expect them instead of causing my team constant heartbreak
like last season. i can't stand to see them cry.. especially tyler.
he's one of those people who makes one single tone when they cry,
broken only when they come up for air. i'm sure you know someone like
that. you don't know weather to hug them or rip out their eyes and
put them in your shoes so that they can watch you kick their ass.
the teamtomko.com fans will probably be somewhat upset about my renewed
passion to play better this season since it will reduce the number
of terrible shots you get to watch and heckle. speaking of terrible
shots (what an incredible segway) the shot chosen for display this
week isn't a very difficult shot, but as i said before it's the timing
of these mishaps which really sets teamtomko apart from teams that
have tasted the warm sticky texture of victrocity
teamtomko.com's greatest hits - shot #3
on the weekend teamtomko flew down to mexico, realized we made a mistake,
then flew back and went to tijauna's for some eight-foot action. unfortunately
the girls were only 5'6" , but we made up for it by grafting
old broom shafts onto their heels and shoulders. not surprisingly
my pick up line 'do you wanna be on the internet?' didn't work very
well, in fact i distinctly remember some well timed ducks on my part
that saved me some stitches... so i entertained myself trying to guess
who had hepa-herpes and who didn't. for scott's sake i hope i guessed
right ;) the pics will be up tonight ;)
injury is a four letter word that's
been spelled wrong for centuries.. while i was attempting a
720 jump spin kick i failed to realize that the earth is well
over trillion trillion trillion times more massive than me and
as such exerts a substantial gravitational pull which caused
my rapidly spinning body to collide with the planet much sooner
than i had anticipated resulting in my ankle producing a quiet
(but you would cringe if you heard it) crunching noise.
i suspect i'll be allright after sawing off the leg of a sleeping
homeless man and transplanting it onto my own badly mutilated
leg stump..
folklarama is coming up so don't forget to stop by the scottish
pavilion where teamtomko.com will be holding a curling clinic
inside the freezer section of the old maple leaf plant
it's monday and time once again for another tear-jerking installment
of teamtomko's greatest hits... this week i peel off a mental scab
to allow the painful memories to flood back from early october. this
particular game is best described as 'nut stomping agony' as it was
probably the closest we came to cashing in all season (if you exclude
the money we made on armature stripper night in brandon)... if i had
this shot to do over i would fake a colon spasm and have scott throw
the stone
teamtomko.com's greatest hits - shot #2
teamtomko went out this weekend to a bar which seemed to be full of
mannequins and robots, but which nevertheless allowed us to take their
pictures which will subsequently be online by tonight. or possibly
tomorrow night. i am currently very busy working on the prototype
for the 'drawstring condom' which teamtomko invented.. it will be
targeted to sports teams who want to have a one-size-fits-all solution
so the entire team will be ready to go at any time.. please post some
feedback in the guestbook
Friday,
July 19, 2002
as a heatwave rated 13 on the 'backside' sweat
meter sweeps across the province housing the best curling teams
and icemakers in the world, teamtomko spent it's time indoors
creating the world's first flash curling
game in which you can step into the shoes of one of the
worlds most talented and venerated skips! just another bastard
son in the family of teamtomko's 'worlds first' collection.
special thanx go out to my heterosexual lead, dan, for the superb
game ideas he sent to me in the mail along with his weekly bowl
movement.
oh yea... i also finished putting up the 'dev4ia' pics
so check them out and post your comments in the guestbook!
update: i've altered the game to impose a time limit, and to increase
the difficulty of hitting the houses as your score increases
every curling team makes good and bad shots.. and in most cases
it's healthy mix of both. what sets teamtomko apart from the masses
is the quantity, and perhaps more importantly, the quality of our
bad shots.. over the next few weeks i intend to take you on a frightening
journey which will showcase some of the best worst shots we've thrown
during the 2001-2002 season.
i know the only way to truly succeed is to fail.. and since teamtomko
doesn't get cold on the ice because we are cloaked in failure it can
only mean that we're about to hit the big time.. or contract a neurological
disorder. either way it should be fun to watch!
teamtomko.com greatest hits - shot #1
Saturday,
July 13, 2oo2
teamtomko.com cheerleaders tryouts began this week
teamtomko.com goes downtown to recruit
teamtomko.com does some off-season sweeping training
during one of my recent travels to the orient, i happened to come
across a man sitting on a freshly cut tree trunk who looked very pensive..
my first thought was of course to put on the teamtomko.com mascot
mask i always carry and try to convince him that i was jesus and then
hit him up for years of overdue tithe, but instead approached him
and presented the following transpicuous enigma, 'how much ice would
a front end sweep if a front end could sweep ice?' .. he turned to
me, cocking his head to one side in an attempt to make some sense
of what i had said.. for what seemed like an eternity (i have since
confirmed from several credible sources that it was in fact was two
eternity's) i stood there waiting for his button-sized mind to comprehend
the 12-foot sized magnitude of the riddle... at long last he blurted
out this bizarre but informative poem-song-warrior-princess...
it was at this point that i unzipped my backpack, removed two full
sized curling stones and used my curl-fu to turn his skull into a
dim sum pancake.. as a result that area has started a new curling
club program for self-defense
artists rendition
(she is the opposite of this)
anyways... the last week and a half has been very
exciting for me.... i met, courted, conquered, married, had
2 children with, had an affair on, divorced, and went to the
funeral of, some girl that i chanced across at the local discoteque..
i think her name was jewdy...
it's all a blur really, but i'm sure her name was two syllables.
well, 85% sure anyways.
she was one hell of a woman but i think things started to go
sour when i tried to bring some curling brooms into the bedroom..
that's the last time i call carter richard for relationship
advice!!
all kidding aside thou.. if you're reading this J i wish you
the best of luck in the next 14 days, then a little bad luck
for about 88 hours, and then good luck again for the rest of
your days!
now that teamtomko.com bashing has been declared a tax write-off,
more and more canadian's are feeling the urge to try and ram a cabbage
patch kid up teamtomko.com collective ass (and i mean the old
style cabbage patch kids.. not the new midgitized version)
the latest attack came in the form of a vicious comment in the guestbook..
no doubt the author was frowning and perhaps even spitting or checking
the velcro straps on his diaper when he wrote those terrible hurtful
and non-christen words "rt has no life" .... i believe that
this statement can be born only of ignorance and excess chutnee. so
to prove that rt does in fact has at least one life i present the
following
click these
sleeping is a source of great pleasure for me
because the only place i get to talk to women is in my dreams...
on any given day you can find me sleeping between 14-19 hours
often i will catch a quick nap during red lights, on the toilet,
and in this case while i was waiting for my lunch to digest
(seal skins don't break down easily)
when i'm not sleeping i enjoy hunting for empty
beer bottles to turn in, planting small children, and of course
performing kung fu at the winnipeg stadium
shortly after this video was taken security showed me just how
'effective' my kung fu really was.. the doctor says my bones
may never heal
always looking for ways to make the world a wetter
place, i wrote a program which allows you to extract the passwords
from cuteftp 4.0.19.. it's useful if you do a lot of ftp uploading
and can't remember the passwords you entered so many months
ago ;)
hey wait a minute... this isn't helping me in the 'rt has a
life' fight.. in fact i think i just shot myself in the foot..
no wait, that was just the foot piercing i requested
here i am staking out the local playground...
although i often get chased away by grandparents wielding zoombrooms
or bengay wrappers, it's all worth it to have the chance to
date someone half your age
making full use of the city's equipment i help
fertilize the park.. just another example of my giving nature.
oddly enough mine was not the only camera snapping pics of this
event...
(read his email first -- at the bottom)
recently i was elated when i was given the opportunity
of a lifetime by a complete stranger living in south africa...
knowing full well that this could be my chance to make some
real cash so i can get the hell out of curling another year
with my 'team' i eagerly replied to the enticing offer
he seemed like a fine god-fearing fellow .. i suggest you read
his message to me first to get a sense of his dementia, it's
at the bottom of the text file
and lastly, i share a game i used to love to play
as a child and young teenager.. "kick the hydro box"
i was introduced to the sport by my parents when i was only
5.. money was tight at the time so mommy said she needed a way
to cut some corners to help pay for her 'magic white power'
.. since canada has such excellent (and free) medicare, i would
spend several months in the hospital living off the government
while my parents would go 'flying', or so they said..
i hope this puts to rest, or at least brutally wounds any question
about the exciting and very very ribald life i have
the wonderful world of japanese anime has been usurping my time
lately... something about slicing someone's arm off while you make
love is just too bizarre to pass up. i've noticed that besides very
short skirts and very long hair many of the movies have a sporting
theme woven in the nauseatingly beautiful storyline.
i would like to see one with some curling action.. the player would
sit wide-eyed in the hack as the skip screamed out some unintelligible
words as he moved in discreet postures as if someone had slowed
down the animation to 3 frames per second.. then the guy in the
hack would start to hum and push out with a scream.. The background
would go blurry and move at a different rate of speed with respect
to the player at which point they would zoom into the guys hand
as he put some special dragon-moon spin on the rock. The rock would
go blasting past some young girls and the breeze would cause their
skits to flap up showing their underwear as they giggle.. finally
it would impact on another rock in the house causing a huge explosion
and a mushroom cloud to form.. The camera would pan back and even
though everything in the club is utterly destroyed, the player would
stagger to his feet and yell out the name of the girl he once loved/friend
he once had
(the preceding idea is copyrighted and pasteprinted so if you actually
make an anime like that my herd of talking gerbils and ex-girlfriends
will hunt you down)
