at 7:45am this morning teamtmoko still had no idea when
our first game of the sudden death playoff for the last remaining
select spot on earth (we still plan to enter the venutian spiel, despite
hailing from mars) was scheduled to be played! apparently whoever
was in charge of the playoffs lacks the organization skills of a severely
who's shedding on the ice?
mentally retarded ape... no wait, that would be an insult to apes.
i once saw an ape who was born with only half a brain call up guy
hemmings and tell him that they were playing a club game the next
day at 6pm. i apologize to all apes, and overly hairy humans (you
know, the ones that comb their hair with an egg beater). as for the
mca, they might want to add the stipulation "applicant must take
the uofm's 'intro to telephone usage' course" to the job requirements
for bonspiel coordinator. you'd think they would be at least be able
to get the names of the curlers correct for the closing ceremonies,
we all fill out forms with out names printed on them, but it seems
that the mysteries of the xerox machine are to be forever lost to
them. thank god for bob picken and his 8:22am cjob sports update,
otherwise i would have never known what time we played! we did manage
to show up at the club by 9:03am, played an ok game, however a precise
last rock in-off for 2 ended any hope that teamtomko might grab the
final spot.
i suppose it's expected that a few things will not go smoothly when
you are trying to run a bonspiel with 512 teams, and i do applaud
the mca volunteers for all the hard work they do.
i have heard that they spent $41 billion dollars on a celeron cpu
which computes all the draws.... this leads me to suspect that the
mca is simply phasing in a plan to increase bonspiel revenue by charging
teams a premium if they want to know when they curl.
Wednesday Night, January
29, 2003
teamtomko actually won!
8 hours of personal grooming did not go unnoticed tonight as teamtomko
not only won the ford/budget event, but also picks up the 'most
attractive team' award as well! our mascot (donny sproule) was so
pleased that he was jumping all around the sheet. in fact that picture
was taken as the mascot was coming down from a 7 foot leap.. sadly
the impact of the landing shattered both his knees and the ice team
is now trying to pebble over the shards of bone before tomorrows
berth playoff, which as of 12:36am is still not iced.
you can view the linescores from the other finals that were played
at the victoria here. harrison,
bohn, smith, teamtomko.
Wednesday, January
29, 2003
after 6 days of war and 16 slain games teamtomko is still alive
and through to the 5th event final to be played at a yet unknown
location deep inside the basement of the mca headquarters while
allison goring eats the teams who lost in the semifinals. last year
she was reported to have digested 3 men in only 18 seconds!
while enduring the "pull the plug!" pain caused by playing
2.67 games a day, teamtomko has been presented with a slew of interesting
strategic decisions which most teams would be able to resolve in
a glance, but as children the members of teamtomko were often used
as rocks to help pay off debts and so the incurred brain damage
causes us to repeatedly call the wrong shots.
but now you too can feel the same taxing mental hurdles,
and miscall shots as we do by taking part in 'house call'. from
time to time teamtomko.com will show you situations we've been in
and ask for your opinion so that we can be certain that we did indeed
make the wrong call. this week's call is one we faced in the 5th
event quarterfinal. if there an option we missed feel free to post
it in the guestbook, but keep in mind that by doing so you will
be marked for a broom lynching.
house call : a new teamtomko feature
Tuesday, January 28,
2003
just a quick update to showcase our sunday misfortune..... the winning
shot was a classic teamtomko greatest hit.
teamtomko.com's greatest hits - shot #9
Monday, January 27,
2003
many of the teamtomko.com visitors who can read may have noticed that
the winnipeg sun (whose curling team was sunk by teamomko in the zones)
printed a story on teamtomko in today's paper. the interview itself
was mostly harmless, except when the reporter launched into a 35 minute
sales-drive and tried to hard-sell us for a 16 year subscription*.
sadly the writeup was totally inaccurate** and completely failed
to mention scotts bi-penile syndrome as well as my collection of elvis
saliva. even worse, the picture of me is in focus which can only serve
to frighten any ultra smart children who read newpapers.... until
i looked at the photo i hadn't realized how gruesome i had become
over the years.. take a look at the pic of me along the right side
and compare it to the hanta-monster
no mascot this year
you see in the paper!
although our mascot only reads at a 3rd grade level, after 4 hours
alone in the broom closet with the newpaper he managed to find out
that he was not mentioned at all in the story! he is seriously considering
taking legal action for defamation of character by omission. to add
to his woes not only was the mascot blacklisted from the newpapers,
but the mca's yearbook did not acknowledge him for breaking the record
of 'most consecutive games played while intoxicated'.. i guess there
wasn't much room for extras like that since this years yearbook doubled
as a family album.
the centerfold (which didn't make it into the final copy) features
a hamblin recieving an award (as handed out by the university residence
publication) for something other than curling. he appears to be in
deep meditation, no doubt the source of their intense mental and erotic
powers. teamtomko has also tried such methods, but we continue to
lose games to teams who's combined age dwarfs the number of eyes on
shania twain's cleavage during the superbowl halftime show. top 3 reasons why curling in the mca was better than watching the
superbowl
3. don't need icecubes to keep your booze cold
2. didn't have to watch shania twian lipsync
1. you can tell your friends you wore a rubber for almost 3 hours!
* this never actually happened, the interview and
the reporter were both pretty cool ** not true. the write up was exactally what we had said, and
a pefect summary of teamtomko.com
Monday, January 20,
2003
after watching the national mixed final last night i've decided
to quit with programming CLONES and devote my time to a much more
humanitarian and worthwhile cause. i intend to engineer a device which
will automatically mute the television whenever kim kelly's voice
is detected (refer to my dec 5 update for more
clarity), and try to get my device installed into all televisions
worldwide by the year 2006. however i am aware that this is tantamount
to trying to cure cancer by taking tylenol. i must find a way to stop
the problem at the source... perhaps with a high-frequency bandstop
muzzel-filter of some sort.
that being said, kelly played a great game and pretty much won the
game with that freeze in 10. i also thought the play of alberta's
skip was outstanding! i should be so lucky as to make as many inturn
raisebacks. it has turned my conception of womans curling on it's
head and pumped me up even more for the upcoming mixed season here
in mb.
well months of sleeping till 2pm and then programming till 3am are
starting to have meaning now that a demo
of the game i've been working on has been released. perhaps one day
i can sell it to the japanese for 80 million yen and finally buy my
way into the safeway select like the grand slammers. in the mean time
teamtomko is re-tuning our outturns and packing on 10 lbs of fat a
day to help us in the curling marathon that is the mca. curling is
one of the few sports where no athleticism is needed (although it
surly helps) ... in fact i noted a few grand slam stars from last
weekend who were almost passing out after sweeping a rock from the
first hogline to the benches!
it's a good thing the mascot hasn't found his way out of the basement
since jan 3 because our team cashflow seems to be proportional to
the time he spends conscious and free.
Tuesday, January 17,
2003
what a beautiful day it is! well, technically it's midday now, and
in all truth it's only a moderate midday.. in fact as i look out the
window i see a blitzkrieg of snow whizzing around, and i still haven't
had breakfast..... what a crapstick day it is!
so no, teamtomko did not get devoured by a hungry feminist.. and no,
we did not win a zone spot. our run ended when dave smith took the
W from our hands with a game winning shot for 4 in the 6th end, although
he still almost lost it with a tight inturn on his last stone of the
game, but the ice fairies (and i'm not talking about john morris)
were favoring him, and his rock stayed on target thus ending our dreams
of owning the zone.
speaking of morris, by being knocked out of our zone i had the chance
to watch the final of the canada cup (which was fighting for air time
with a grandslam event) and was very excited to see (and hear) the
outrageous actions and comments of the morris rink which will surly
find their way onto the next curling dance mix! i would have spent
more time watching the grandslam game but the rocktalk segment, which
i used to think was pretty clever, and a good way to draw in more
viewers, is now almost painful to watch (and certainly annoying to
answer) as the same 'please god not again' questions are being asked
such as "how does it feel to win/lose <some spiel>?"
or "how come your team works so well?" .. i now keep a 5
inch nail by my side when i watch so that when the rocktalk segment
starts i can ram it into my ear to keep from hearing the inane question.
i've even tried to add some excitement by emailing in my own questions
such as "carter, when you flashed that hit against john morris
in the national final, did you cry for 5 or 10 minutes during the
commercial break?" and "since footprints have replaced hairs
as the leading cause of bad shots, do you think the CCA should introduce
a rule against leaving prints on the ice by penalty of having to listen
to collen jones chew gum in your ear for 30 mins?"... but sportsnet.ca
refuses to air my genuine and original questions!
the reason that there have been so few updates lately is because i
am working hard on a developing a computer game. the game is called
CLONES and it was inspired by lemmings(TM) for the snes. we plan to
release a public demo tonight or tomorrow afternoon to see what kind
of response we get... i'm so excited i have wet myself nonstop for
3 days. man i'm thirsty.
Wednesday, January
8, 2003 - CITY ZONES - TEAMTOMKO WINS!
teamtomko never gives up
after suffering a sickening loss last night to a
team who is older than time itself, teamtomko has bounced back
hard with a 'play our guts out' victory today. the mascot was
in tears after the game, we thought it was due to the beautiful
teamtomko shotmaking, but it was just that he had mistakenly sobered
up earlier today and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.
i caution any team which has the misfortune to find themselves
curling at the CFB.. the ice was so filthy that christina aguilera
was going to shoot the video for her 'dirty' song on sheet 3 until
she realized that winnipeg was not in texas... anytime that 5
rocks pick footprints in the same end you can't really call it
curling.
Tuesday, January 7,
2003 - CITY ZONES - TEAMTOMKO WINS!
hark, the herald curlers lost! last night teamtomko eclipsed the
'winnipeg sun' sponsored gromnisky
team in a stellarly brilliant display of shotsmanship and style! teamtomko
was seen to be donning the 'holy mascot jerseys' sewn by 70 year old
virgins in the basement of the pembina curling club, and then decorated
by tavis mcfingerbang. you can bet that we will equip them tonight
as we battle military-style for zone control at the army's curling
club.
if i'm not mistaken, tonight we play opposite one of the lead vocalists
for a once popular native boy band named 'lead a reserved life'. many
thought that LARF would be the next beatles, but a tragic accident
during their first music video involving some wolves they were trying
to dance with left the members hideously disfigured and so they turned
to the one sport where they are almost guaranteed to never appear
on tv.
the long awaited zones playdows are upon us and tonight teamtomko
will be matched up (unless my sources are wrong) against a former
world champion sheep-rider. rumor has is that he did the quarter-mile
in 15.3 seconds on an african milkback sheep!
i have a good feeling about tonights game... it's on the 6th of
january, at 6pm, on sheet 6. that's three 6's ... 666! the mark
of the beast! speak of the devil i was just out for lunch with him
on friday and he told me that as long as i keep bringing him homeless
people to eat he'll look out for me!
Monday, January 6,
2003
teamtomko has been working hard these last few days to bring our
game to a higher level... it's now even higher then the pile of empty
vodka bottles that sit in the middle of every russian city this morning!
the reason that the canadians lost was simple... they let the russians
get into their 'zone' (pun intended). the russians were allowed to
become focused on winning, and so they won. teamtomko has learned
this lesson well and as such we have been practicing a number of alternate
slides which we hope will confuse and distract (and potentially frighten)
our opponents thus causing them to lose their focus.
here then are a few of the slides we have in our broombags.. all slide
pics were taken in mid-slide and no editing was performed.
slide: the 'newbie' description: this slide is used during the first few
ends to lower the guard of the other team. it is works best
if you yell out to the skip 'which turn do you want?' each time
you throw key points: reverse grip on the stone, rear leg should
be bent out, and you should hold the broom as if you have no
clue what to do with it. optional move: fall after letting go
of the rock
slide: the 'don walchuck'
description: use this slide to make them think you are
a relative of walchuck... it will intimidate them and in many
cases they will shake hands after 1 or 2 ends. key points: start by soaking your ankle in vinegar overnight
so that you can pigeontoe your sliding foot with ease. broom
on the ice and a strong grip on the rock are important to perfecting
this slide technique.
slide: the 'kickstand' or the 'golden V' description: this slide is used exclusively to try and
force the other teams sweepers to be shoved off the ice. since
the broom and trailing leg for a giant V, your sweepers are
pushed to the boards to avoid tripping on you as you slide,
and as they follow along the other teams sweepers will have
no choice but to step onto the next sheet, or be bodychecked
by your sweepers. key points: try to separate your leg and broom as much
as possible. i recommend a 10 food spread
slide: modified golden L
description: this slide is great for improving balance
and accuracy... or at least that's what you tell your opponents!
after watching how stable you look you should encourage them
to try the slide.. when they do they will find out that the
increased drag renders this slide useless key points: you should almost be sitting on your rear
foot, and in this variation of the L the broom is placed on
the opposite shoulder for added confusion
slide: groin-cracker description: when you want to speed up the game you can
use this slide to go under the legs of opponents who like to
stand at the hogline for too long. in addition, the low profile
reduces air-drag key points: surgically remove your groin before attempting
this move as the stretch factor is very high
slide: the 'female folly' description: your opponents will be wondering if you
are a male or female after using this slide! they will be so
consumed trying to determine your gender that they will forget
about playing well. key points: you must release the rock before your slide
reaches the end of the house and most importantly you have to
thrust your hand up and towards the broom after letting go and
hold it there for 15 seconds while you watch your stone travel
slide: chilled to the 'bohn'
description: elicit rage and ill-will from your opponents
with this truly classic slide. be warned thou, it is best to
do it when their sweepers are not around. key points: broom on the ice and pointed forward, but
more importantly you must release the rock after the hogline..
somewhere near the first set of benches
slide: truly tomko description: your opponents are guaranteed to either
fall down laughing, or cringe into a coma after witnessing this
slide. key points: the hardest part of this slide is the hack-hop.
start by placing your sliding foot in the hack, and your trailing
foot behind your head. now hop from the hack using
your sliding leg and you're on your way to winning!
slide: double take-it
description: two heads are better than one, and 4 hands
are better than 2! use this slide to show how close your team
really is.. the other team will feel insecure and play bad. key points: this works best if you have at least one
left-handed curler on the team.
Wednesday, January
2, 2003
the mct championships will be rather dull this year thanks in large
part to the small-est team in curling.. by lung-stomping us they have
usurped the last hope of teamtomko making the tour championships.
but perhaps it's just as well... i wouldn't want to be around when
kammerloc wets his pants.
the 'small' team delivered a crushing blow to teamtomko with a last
rock draw to the button, and my feelings of that game are those of
cheap candy... namely "red-cent-mint". i feel sick when
i think of how our 3 point lead withered away to a -1 point lead.
i can only blame the evil gods of tight-outturns for cursing me and
giving me a rash.
the mixed nationals are starting up soon and while reading the news
at tsn i was surprised that they didn't mention local wunderboy mike
mcewan passing up the opportunity to play on the national stage for
a chance to get some homemade pizza in italy next weekend. perhaps
they don't realize that mike is a 46 time junior provincial champion,
has been to the safeway select well over three thousand times, and
will no doubt soon be the worlds first university curling champion
as well! in a recent interview he credited his success to "my
frighteningly good looks". those italian men had better keep
a close eye on their woman, because while he is stealing points on
the ice, he will surly be stealing the hearts of women aged 16-36.
speaking of mixed, i need females to form a team with. applicants
must fall into at least one of the following categories: good curler
(to help us play well), good looking (to distract the other team),
very ugly (to distract the other team), over 6'6" (for intimidation),
strong shaft holding skills (for sweeping), or heavy drinker (for
after we lose). please send resume with attached picture of you dressed
as robert stack from unsolved mysteries.
