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Tuesday, April 22, 2003
new forum added.. check it out
Monday, April 14, 2003
so weir wins the worlds and ferby wins the masters... not a bad weekend for canada. teamtomko was there for the final and you can see the pics in the 'world2' set. you might think that 22°C days

nedohin asks the mascot for a pic
would mark the end of curling but i've found bonspiels running up to the second weekend in may! that means that we still have a chance to top teamferby's earnings of $10.3 billion dollars this season, assuming of course that i can sell the screwdriver set in the pick-a-prize this weekend for $40 million on ebay. allowing the mascot to sweat on it might increase it's value.
the world final was toenail bitingly exciting for the first half as the swiss team took the lead, but in the locker room during the 5th end break ralph stockli found a block of swiss cheese with a dagger in it. being a nation of chocolate-eating bankers they quickly handed the game over to canada. it was nice that security was so lax that anyone could just walk out onto the ice surface following the final and as you'll see in the pics we took full advantage of this opportunity to carpe diem.
Friday, April 11, 2003

teamtomko goes international
as i type this colleen jones is in the hack throwing her last stone in the world final. this year i severed my arms in an attempt to subdue the urge to jab a fork in my eyes that i always seem to feel as a result of watching baffling womens curling. if you recall the 7th end the usa team set a new standard for female lunacy.. it seemed that the worse the shot was, the louder and more numerously they would say "that's ok, good!" to each other. a botched usa peel raised canada in to sit 2 and instantly every member of the usa team urupts with "great" "that's fine" "it's better now" "good shot!".. which supports my theory that they are dumber than the rocks they throw.
team canada had problems of it's own as a 2-down-without-hammer jones decided that playing a peel game would somehow help them get the lead. outstandingly brilliant dementia. i guess she couldn't find any peppermint gum to chew and so she had to go with the milder spearmint which softened her edge. hoping that usa would make some big mistakes was a mistake of it's own and so jones ends up with silver this year. i wouldn't worry thou, she'll be back for the next 5 years.
i've managed to put up most of the pics from last night.. now i need to get hibbing up there
Wednesday, April 9, 2003
why has no one been updating this site? i left it under the supervision of the mascot and today i find that he's been living in a port-a-potty in the 'extra end' saloon at the world curling championships here in town for the past week!
we ended up losing the valor rd semifinal in an extra end to quite possible the most ugly team in curling. i still have no vision in my left eye due to the one glimpse i caught of their anti-beauty.
no wait, i'm thinking about the girls we met in hibbing! the 12 hours spent driving to and from hibbing was time well spent if only to taste rudy's 14 incher. no not the renegade alberta curler, the drive-in sub restaurant in hibbing! for the second year in a row the pizza sub was the highlight of the trip, with seeing scott pee on a car a close second. there are 160 pics from the weekend and I'm already behind by 3 events, but i am going to try to add them all in parallel so expect a few each day.
with the best curlers in the world in my home town i can't wait to go to the area and get pictures galore of them with the mascot... if i can find a break from all the kung fu and clones work i've been doing lately.. the summer weather is drawing me outside where i quickly become disorientated and end up crying and staining my pants. but that might have something to do with the SARS-flavoured candy scott gave me.
Friday, March 28, 2003
despite the primeministers phone calls, teamtomko has joined the war against imac and have replaced our apple network servers with refurbished atari lynx systems. we have sent scott to play with harrison at the mixed provincials in brandon as a sleeper agent, but the last radio update from bob picken brought the news that harrison had just lost 9 to -2. scotts training with teamtomko has no doubt prepared him for such 'it was over in 2 ends" losses, and i have confidence he will still be

ty bathes in bills daily to keep the crabs away
able to complete his mission of broombagging the local apple dealer.
the valor rd duckhunt/bonspiel is now on and teamtomko started with a pair of wins this week to qualify. the first game was against the young bay team whom we promised to buy game boys for if they let us win, and the second game was vs. afewgoodmen whom we moab'ed 11-1 in 5 ends. so far we have $400, and more wins would net us $3000. it would be nice to have some extra cash when we are in hibbing mn next weekend so that we can rent a bomb shelter without having to do street theater like last year.. although dan does sing evita quite well.
on wednesday teamtomko ventured out to the dank herpes-house known as 'the curtis' and the pics tell a great story. too bad the story is in japanese so i can't read it.
Tuesday, March 16, 2003
just a quick update to share a most interesting tune i chanced across while jetskiing the internet. this is a techno mix of a 1960's video for the sexual education of mentally handicapped people (some of which sign the guestbook on a regular basis). it really has nothing to do with curling, but neither does scooby doo and i just mentioned him too.
Friday, March 14, 2003
the demand for birth control and herpes cream in brandon will soon skyrocket at the teams for mixed provincials check into their hotel rooms and stock up on rye and horse tranquilizers. despite nearly being one of the final 4 from last years mixed provincials, no females would agree to curl with me this year ever since i started bathing in and drinking cow urine. however i suspect the reason why they wouldn't curl with me is due to my playgirl
physique which would distract them and make them lactate profusely, which would damage the ice surface.
for me, this season has only two spiels left. the valor rd championships where we hope to win some cash (which we need a spare for), and the hibbing "let's hope iraq dosen't bomb us" speil where we hope to have as much fun as we did last year (check out the pics).
just as march indicates the time to swap into a new pair of spring underwear, it is also just about time for teamtomko to play the "so, what are you doing next year?" game. it was my hope that peters, stoughton or even morris would call me up since i am the best sweeper in manitoba, and ferby's front end has demonstrated what two great sweepers and a broombag full of speed can do.. but failing that i am now accepting applications for teamtomko membership. although this season was the best ever for teamtomko, the numerous painful memories from last season are so terrifying that they received a nc-17 rating from the cca, and as such i can't blame my current teammates if the wish to leave, which of course would deny them first chance to buy stocks in the new teamtomko bistro's popping up in toronto and swan river this summer. they will serve a unique mix of deep fried animal droppings with your choice of liquefied internal organ as a dipping sauce. i recommend moose pellets with liquid liver.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
ferby's win confirms that i have returned to the correct universe (see last update), which is good because i've heard that in one universe kim kelly is primeminister. after crunching some numbers i am 96% sure that the reason she wins so many games is entirely due to the "ankle-hook" earrings she

colleen doesn't like them either
wears during games. i believe that they were specially designed to vibrate at the resonate frequency of a curling rock which would give her some control over the movement and rotation of any stone! however i am not ready to bring my findings to the cca because even if her basketball-hoop earrings are emitting sound waves, her nonstop on-ice ramblings should interfere with the transmission and cancel out the effect!
now that ferby is a 42 time brier champion he should have the funds to finally buy some dental floss so he doesn't have
to be cleaning his teeth with his tongue every 12 seconds on the ice while on camera. that brier final was as exciting as any game i can remember and if nedohin wasn't so lucky with his last shot in the 8th end, it might have ended up differently. nevertheless the 2003 brier was a great event to watch, and the audio clips will make for a great dance mix! our mascot would like to congratulate the bubbs team on winning the "thanks for coming out" award by bringing manitoba the most futile brier record since lloyd gunnlaugson 20 years ago. this has only raised the bar for teamtomko and we plan to go winless in the 2004 brier... we just want to come first at something!
many of you seem to want to see "the beach" pictures posted, at least that's what i assume you meant when you set fire to my car and spelled "beach pics" with the flames... i'll try to get them up this week.
Wednesday, March 5, 2009
the above date is not a typo, i have once again used my time machine (which i built from discarded curling shoes and adult pleasure devices) to jump ahead to see if i could confirm a theory about ferby's team. as i suspected, they have won the last 7 national and world championships, however only 1

the mascot on prom night

out of the 3 interplanetary matches which began when john morris ran out of provinces to play in after being booted from ont, alta, bc, pei, yukon, and sask, and so he terraformed mars placing allison goring on the mars north pole, thus doubling the mass of the planet giving it increased gravity to hold an atmosphere. he then mated with her 3 times to generate some 'gory' teammates.
knowning that ferby cannot be stopped, i plan to play exclusively on the toaster circuit next year, and to stay away from selkirk at all costs. in the 5 speils i've played in that hellish town I've won 2 games, one by default! and although we took both games to last rock, the losses last weekend have crushed the spirits of our mascot and he is considering the job offerings he has been receiving from around canada and brazil.
i know that some of you are waiting for 'the beach' pictures, and now that my new computer is up and running you can expect them by tomorrow


teamtomko.com's house call #5 - brier round robin
Friday, Febuary 28, 2003
last night teamtomko began the MTC (manitoba toaster circuit) with a loss to a kirkness impostor on selkirk's sheet 1. the problems started in the first end when we started to learn that the ice was curling 4.5 feet towards sheet 2 (probably due to the fact that an allison goring tribute team was practicing on that sheet).

the 200 foot sheer cliffs made it harder to play well
by the time we laboured into the 10th end the ice was now curling 7 feet. the worst part was that their second had a slide and a release which makes junior womens curling look good, yet we failed to capitalize over and over. if there was one good thing about the game, it was the brief entertainment of watching the other skip fumble with his strategy. after checking with the cca i can confirm that he called "the most retarded and useless shot" in the entire 43,000 year history of curling. he was shooting red rocks, he's 3 up without the hammer, it's his thirds last stone, and the ice curls 5.5 feet from left to right which implies that his shot stone is practically wide open........ this is what he called


dumbest shot ever to be played in competition

in the words of ray turnbull "i don't know what they were trying to do with that shot". dispite this, we did lose and are now an unstoppable b-side machine. we are such an intimidating force that earlier tonight our competition didn't even show up, knowning that after destroying them on the ice we would probaly try to date their daughters which is cause for anyone to run and hide. we play tomorrow at 2pm in the b-side quarter final.
Saturday, Febuary 22, 2003

now that the deadline for entering the mixed zones have come and gone i was thinking that i should get around to entering a team pretty soon. unfortunately my pungent chest-neck odour makes it very difficult for women to curl alongside me without falling madly in love with me. in fact i am still looking for women (or body-shaved men) to round out my team. the mca does allow teams to play 2-handed as long as one member wears a dress, but i would rather find some gals because it's nicer to watch them sweep.
if you are female and are over 19 then consider yourself hired! email me asap..... i'll slip a cool fin into my zones entry to compensate for the late entry and we're set.

teamtomko took a trip to the beach on thursday and managed to bump into a couple of curlers and one ass-flasher. the pics will begin to be posted tomorrow.
Monday, Febuary 17, 2003

drawing for 6: classic scott action
the new mens provincial champion has been crowned! many are asking how bubbs was able to go undefeated through 7 intense games at the select. teamtomko believes that it is mainly due to the time bubbs spent with our mascot last weekend in swan river... we can't be sure what bubbs was told because the mascot claims he has no memory of the past 15 days as a result of submerging his head in a vat of beer for 1 hour this morning. there were two ends in which scales missed some opportunities and after reviewing the game with our highly paid team of curlitologists we have pinpointed the exact shot which lost the game for scales, click here to see it. the bad shot led a 3 ender for bubbs which scales could not recover from... and it also led to this weeks house call.. step into the shoes of a provincial finalist and call the right shot!


teamtoko.com.s house call #4: select edition

the scott also started this weekend and you can bet that we'll grab some great audio clips to use for the next curling dance mix. my goal is to catch the 'female folly' slide in action.
Monday, Febuary 10-14, 2003
now that the curling season is nearly over, save for the toaster circuit and mixed, teamtomko is preparing a mixture of 2% milk and liquid pokemon which we use to store our curling shoes when they aren't being used for a few weeks. the next big event is the valour rd. speil in march where we plan to win back some of the $200 of gas money which it cost to drive up north last weekend.
during the junior womans national final cbc showcased one of the handful of curling programs available now, which......

......... AHEM, as i was saying.. which added to feeling of nausea from having watched a few end of the final. i had thought about making a 3d curling game myself, but CLONES came first. the thought be being beaten to the punch had a 'draw for 2, release tight and raise them in for 1' feel to it.
i have taken a look at the current 3d curling games available and have supplied my comments below.
granite

this one had by far the worst graphics of the bunch... i had only played this game for 3 seconds and i was already bored and extremely nauseated. after getting my midget servants to clean up the mess i thought about uninstalling this piece of sheet but wanted to make sure that no part of it would remain behind on my system, so instead i put my computer in the microwave, then put the microwave in the oven, and baked it for 3 days at 600 F.
shotstone

if this game is shotstone, then they must be playing a one rock game. the stunning graphics are the only thing that saves this hack weight curling program from being classified as a virus by norton. some features: zombie skips who do not move, low framerates on pII500, and the computer ai was definitely modeled after a female skip.
despite being riddled with bugs this game does deliver on allowing two players to 'curl' against each other via the internet which, as far as i can see, is the only selling point (next to the mind-blowing 'choice of sheet' option). rumor has it that the 10 minute time limit on the demo has been cracked, which is sheety news for the programmers.
stoned

it wins the award for 'best curling game title' however it is definitely the lightweight of the bunch, this game is only 32K in size! i couldn't run it on win98, so i can't comment on it.... yet.
takeout-weight curling

in contrast to shotstone, this game has been cleaned before being throw and seems to be curling towards the button. although the graphics seem more artificial than shotstone it makes up with better gameplay and more options as well as having much lower system requirements.

there are several key features that i think a curling game needs, and none of the ones listed here have. i vow to create my own 3d curling game, and have it in a playable state by may 30th 2003. i don't want to give too much away, but you can bet on an authentic curling experience... from leaving intentional footprints on the ice to choosing your broom type to drunken bar fights upstairs after a game!
Sunday Night, Febuary 09, 2003
it took longer to drive to the mct championships then it did to be eliminated from them! the only prize teamtomko won was the one for being first team out of the spiel. we played our first game at 9am, and 38 rocks (at $13 a shot it was hands down the most expensive 38 rocks i've ever thrown) later we were

life's great at super 8
done at 4:49pm on friday afternoon. although losing was no doubt the fault of our hands, it was our livers that paid the price later that evening. as always we photo-logged the weekend for your enjoyment and roughly half of the pics are up, but be warned that my camera is in the shop (it's not aquatic after all), and so the quality of the photos are worse than usual. i really miss my camera.. for the past 2 weeks i've had no way of visually inspecting the tape worm who lives in my rectum and whose name is randle. be prepared to hear more about him in a future update.
contrary to the title "swan vally", the area had a lot of ugly ducklings.. and as the night progressed i found myself in somewhat of an uncommon situation. i would like to know how you would have handled it, and so behold teamtomko.com's house call #3! be sure to have sound enabled so you can fully enjoy this one.


teamtomko.com's house call #3: the swan river riddle

during the mca bonspiel, each team was given a survey to fill out with respect to giving select spots to teams who compete in the 'grand slam' events. apparently all the grey poupon those slammer have been eating with their new found riches has intoxicated them, because what they are asking for makes no sense whatsoever. let's use a marriage analogy on this. pretend that the grand slammers are the husband, and that the mca is the wife, and they've had a few kids (select spots) in the past. in effect, the husband has said to his wife "yo biaatch, sex with you was fun, but i found a sweet little mistress and so i refuse to support you financially but i can still sleep with you anytime i want, although i don't plan to impregnate you. however if i do happen to impregnate you we will just give the kid away". then a year later the husband says to his wife "hey jiggles, now that i'm a sex goddess i don't have time to impregnate you, but i find myself missing the pitter-patter of little feet... so how about you steal a baby from my hard working in-laws and give it to me, they aren't good enough parents to raise a kid anyway". anyone with hizzle a brizzle can tizzle that this shizzle's fizzled!
hmm, now that i read that over it doesn't seem as clever as it did an hour ago. ah well.. for me writing updates is a lot like curling; you can't win every time. or even half of the time. probably closer to 36%. wait, i meant 22%. actually if i kept stats i'd bet i have to fudge the numbers just to keep the percentage positive. hold on, if you count games i've played online against mr. crabs shizzledick of germany then i'm sure i'm somewhere in the 15% - 16% range.
Monday, Febuary 3, 2003

teamtomko continues to search for a player to curl with us this weekend. we have been getting several emails from mexicans asking if joining a curling team will net them a green card... and of course i told them yes. aren't they in for a surprise when they show up at the rink this weekend!
after taking in over 50 votes the results of the first 'house call' seem clear.. the freeze is the best shot if you can make it, and the hit and roll of the high one is the next best choice. to see what teamtomko did, watch the movie below!


teamtomko's house call - #1 results

this weeks house call is taken from teamtomko vs teamsmith in the b-side quarterfinal of the mens city zones playoffs. in hindsight i think i called the wrong shot, and with your help there will soon be no doubt.


teamtomok's house call - #2
Sunday, Febuary 2, 2003
by hacking into the mca's curling database we have added ourselves to the list of teams going to swan river for the mct championships. sadly, the best looking member of our team,
scott, has been incarcerated on charges of "impersonating a rabbi" and so will no be able to attend the bonspiel this weekend.
we are frantically searching for a replacement, and welcome you to email us if you can throw a rock at the broom with the right weight most of the time. we have to leave at 3pm on the thursday the 6th. all applicants should have their own shoes and come equipped with 24oz of sherry. unfortunately for us this weekend marks the return of the annual university playdows and as such many of the hired guns are busy trying to follow in the footsteps of the great mike mcewen who won the golden pizza last month in italy.
today is another grandslam day so let's hope that one of my rocktalk questions gets through!



Ryan Tomko (skip)
rt.jpg (12846 bytes)


??? (third)
scott.jpg (3123 bytes)


Tyler Specula (second)
from gimli


??? (lead)
dan.gif (8558 bytes)


Our Mascot (fifth)