the annual teamtomko meeting took place last night. sherry if you are reading this then please return my underwear, it is the only pair i have. the meeting took place this year in an abandon house just inside the city limits. the meeting commenced after our mascot performed the ceremonial alcohol enema which marks the beginning of the new curling season. first on the agenda was getting some better lawyers this year so that we won't have to spend so much money to shut up the sensitive bleeding-heart website viewers who blush when they hear someone say 'angina'.

next we reviewed the draft of the teamtomko sponsorship letter and made a few minor (and a lot of adult) changes. within the next week teamtomko will come out with the 'doublt t' line of winter wear and bedroom wear, featuring the'mascot g-thong' for the ladies and the 'horsethang ultra' for the men. hopefully this will generate some extra income for teamtomko, which will help reduce the $5200 price tag that the mct comes with. if you have any ideas on how teamtomko can make some cash please post them in the guestbook!

(click me)

it seems today is my lucky day.. when i checked my email this morning i couldn't help but notice that my most secret longing could now be made a reality! i've emailed a reply and if i hear any further correspondence from the good doctor i'll be sure to share my life-changing experience with you all..

this weeks greatest hit is taken from a pivotal game during the mixed provincials this year. losing that game put us in a 5 way tie-breaker which we failed to emerge from. had we won this game we would have went straight into the playoffs and surly won, which would have given teamtomko the television exposure we so desperately need! instead the second most attractive man in curling won the title and will be enjoying the adulterous orgy which is the mixed nationals..

teamtomko.com's greatest hits - shot #5

the last week was a haze of drugs, bananas, and japanese tea. that pokemon-resembling virus turned out to be rare form of throat-chlamydia which induced an excessive amount of verbal gonorrhea. the doctors (by 'doctors' i am referring to some guy in a dress shirt with a 'burger king' symbol on the sleeve) said i should be fine after the infection runs it's course, which i'm told may result is death or paralysis of the ears... either way it's better than coughing up bloodflem!
now that i'm on the mend i've had some time to plan out the curling season and so i went to the new mct website to check out the schedule. the site itself looks better than a persons fingers that have been smashed over and over with a hammer.. which is right up there. teamtomko isn't in the links section yet, but the teamtomko mascot is working hard to terrify the web designer into adding us. The most exciting bit of news was regarding the 'canada bowl of curling' and how the mct will be using a point-based system to select one mens team to partake in the event! the bad news is that in order to earn the points you have to win curling games.... so teamtomko is effectively banned. i suggest that the points be awarded slightly different.. instead of winning curling games, take the 'points' (bunny eyeballs) and hide them inside of elderly men and imported icecubes. then give curlers 24 hours to find as many 'points' as they can by whichever means necessary.
to raise some money teamtomko will be having a 'whack-a-thon' in which you guess how many chops it will take to cut down a tree using a curling broom. $5 for ever chop you're off by.

over the past few days i've contracted some sort of infection which has converted my vocal chords into shards of glass which jangle around in my throat. to help to distract me from the intense pain i've made a game of it by seeing how much blood i can cough up in 5 mins and then try to break that record (a la simpsons). the warm tea and grated sheep foot have also been successful in dulling the billions of razor-sharp bacteria which have been raving in my neck for the past 48 hours... my neck couldn't be any stiffer if i had injected viagra into it!

teamtomko.com's greatest hits - shot #4

i'm predating this update to last till the weekend in an effort to narrow the whine river which should reduce the flow of emails to me telling me to 'update the site loser!'. unfortunately i couldn't think of any "the sport of curling" related things to discuss, such as tips to help stop floating outturns or 3 simple steps to increase leg-drive or a summer workout plan to increase sweeping endurance. but don't fret.. once the season actually starts (in 4 weeks) i'll have plenty to write about!

the second week of winnipeg's anti-melting pot celebration is under way and over run with colorful and fragrant dancers of all sizes and sexual preferences. i've been spending so much time at the chinese pavilion that my pants are starting to smell like soy sauce.. but i'm not there for the food or the girls (that's a lie) but to take in the outstanding lion dance shows taking place in the courtyard (that's the truth). i really enjoyed the show last night in which one of the performers was fighting or perhaps cooking another performer. one had a shimmery large sword and the other had a partially dead salmon (this could be a lie, i didn't have my glasses on and it very well could have been a fish or wolf of some sort). they proceeded to attack each other in a dazzling barrage of martial poetry and ended when the one with the sword, faced with his impending defeat, sliced open his abdomen from which candy proceeded to spill from.. a kind of human pinata! ..the candy was in fact nothing but kidney stones and bile but the children didn't seem to care.

the lack of updates recently can be attributed to two reasons. first, in the past few days the different cultural groups in the city have banded together and seem to be waging war on each other... but it's a cold war and the admission isn't too high so i've been busy eating the edibles of up to three different cultures a night! all the running around is helping me with my curling endurance and also giving me many ideas on how to make curling more pleasant for the skipper such as having a 400 lbs aussie acting as a chair for the skip to sit on and perhaps ride around during the 5th end break. secondly, rt has been chasing a simply enchanting girl who happens to be twice as old as half her age.

eager to hit the ice and get back into the swing of curling teamtomko recently covered an entire street in lard and rented some babies to use as stones and played a skins-style game. having several children himself, scott was able to control the 'stones' with ease and won an early advantage, but he couldn't stop tyler from using his superior strength to hurl some amazing hepta-takeouts and after 9 ends the score was dead even. the final shot scott had to win was a draw through a port but as he released, one of the other 'rocks' started crawling and closed the port! scott was livid... we were guaranteed no crawlers in out set and scott demanded our toonie back.